I want to feel my daughter’s hand squeeze mine while she looks up at me as we walk down the street. I want to throw her in the pool and do backflips at the trampoline park. I want to go to her gymnastics competition and root her on as she shows how good she has become. I want to see her find me in the crowd and feel comforted that I’m there for her. I want to take her to get ice cream or help her with her homework. I want to go from the Dadda I was before prison to the Dad I will be after.
I want the years taken back. I want to have been there for the funerals of the people I’ve lost. I want to have seen the world change through Covid-19. I want to have been free instead of in prison. Every day here is like a repeat button where the sun never shines and the darkness never creeps out of anyone’s heart. I want to be out of this atmosphere.
I want to meet my niece’s first real boyfriend. I want to go to my younger niece’s basketball games. I want to cheer in the crowd and feel the excitement of each shot that she takes. I want to see my sister smile. I want to sneak out to the garage to take a dab with my brother-in-law. I want to show up at their house and eat all the leftovers. I want to find a bag of those Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips in the cabinet above the microwave.
I want to go out, to catch a girl’s eye and sit next to her at the bar. I want to see her smile at something I say. I want to feel her hand graze mine. I want to order Moscow Mules and take shots of Jameson. I want to order an appetizer, entree, and dessert. I wanna wake up hungover next to a girl I don’t know. I want to wake up sober next to a girl I do. I want to feel like I matter to the real world again.
I want to create a legacy. I want to become the most well-known author on earth. I want to make this world a better place each and every day. I want to help others get released from this oppression. I want to show the world that not everyone in prison is the same.
I want to wake up when I want to. I want to sleep a whole night without an officer shining a flashlight in my eyes three times a night. I want to sit down at 4 and 10 pm every day instead of waiting to be counted like a herd of animals.
I want to feel human again. I want to feel fresh air blow on my face without a razor wire fence in between. That’s my real birthday wish: to be free.
Jeremy Grove Writes 